By: Becca Tomasello
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” -Romans 12:15
Grief is scary and hard. It doesn’t just affect the person in the middle of it, but also those who come and surround that person. Grief brings an all consuming darkness that can be difficult to escape. It is unpredictable, as the person grieving can appear to be in good spirits, and then cycle right back into their depression or anger.
Often, for those who are not in the midst of trying times, such as child loss, child illness, child hospitalization, it is hard to fully comprehend what another person is feeling. The emotions are complex, and quite frankly, just bigger than we want to deal with. Unfortunately, life doesn’t stop when we, or someone we love are facing trials. We live in a society that has us constantly on the move and it is easy to get caught up in our everyday lives while someone we care about is stuck in a moment.
As Christians, we have to remember that we are instructed in Romans 12:15 to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” We are called to be a support to our friends and family. In Matthew 5:14, Jesus says “You are the light of the world.” The only thing that can drive out darkness is light. Since grief is a heavy, burdensome darkness, your light and love and assist your loved one in moving on.
My husband and I have been together for nineteen years, married for 13 of them. Through our married life, I had several miscarriages before we were told I would never carry a child to term. After that, we decided we would adopt, and we had a failed adoption attempt. Each loss, whether it be a miscarriage or the failed adoption attempt, I found myself in a very dark place, often questioning myself, and worse yet, questioning God. I went through every stage of grief, and if I am completely honest, I was the least pleasant person to be around.
While I don’t remember every detail of every miscarriage, nor all of the dark thoughts that surrounded me, what I do remember is who was there. I remember who would call or text just to see how I was. I remember those who prayed with me and on my behalf when I just couldn’t summon the will to do it. I remember my village. The harder I tried to push people away, they gently pushed back. My village knew what I needed, even when I didn’t.
Maybe you are currently the village for someone navigating grief and you just don’t know how to best help them. Here are some practical ways you can support someone you love as they navigate a journey of grief:
Actively and empathetically listen:
To actively listen, reiterate what the person is saying. Parrot it back so that they know you are hearing what is being said. Validate their feelings. Most importantly, don’t pass judgement. Everyone's grief journey is different and last for varying amounts of time. Be that persons safe place.
Encourage Self-Care:
While grieving people often forget about themselves. Their hearts and minds are focused on one thing only, the sadness and hurt they are feeling. Often, in these situations people don’t want to do anything, or are only focused on what is happening right now. Simple things like eating, bathing, sleeping or exercise seem unimportant. However, neglecting oneself is detrimental to their well-being. The season they are in will pass, and when it does it will be important that they are healthy.
Reduce Stress with Practical Support:
Offer to watch their other children. Offer to bring a meal. Run errands. Help do dishes. These may seem like small tasks, but they can be so helpful. Sometimes, these simple acts of kindness will assist with that person practicing self-care as well because it has been made simple for them.
Share Personal Experience:
This is not always appropriate, read the person and the situation. In the correct scenario, with the right person, this can give hope. While every situation is different, it shows that there is a light at the end of the tunnel they are in. Make sure that what you share is relevant.
Offer to Pray with/for Them:
During this trying time, they may not have the words to pray for themself. They may feel angry and dejected and struggling in their faith. Praying for someone who is grieving is one of the kindest, most compassionate ways to support them.Pray that they find comfort and strength in the Lord. Ask if they want you to pray for anything in particular. In my experience, I have never had a person tell me that they would prefer I don’t pray with them.
Stay in Contact:
Send messages of encouragement. Send a text saying that you’re thinking of them. Ask how they are doing. Staying in contact is so important because it let’s the person know they are not alone. It reminds them they are loved and supported, even in, especially in, their darkest moments.
Take Care of Yourself:
Don’t neglect yourself to take care of someone else. You can’t properly love or care for someone when your own battery is empty. You can help someone and still set boundaries. Know your limits.
This list seems so simple. Yet, they are impactful. The power of acknowledgement is so crucial. It doesn’t stop the grief and pain, but it certainly helps lessen it. John 16:20 states, “Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.” While we may mourn, we may grieve and feel hurt, we can still find joy in our situations. I grieved what I lost, but I found joy in knowing I had a village that truly loved and cared for me.
Heavenly Father, We pray for those who are struggling with grief and heartache today. Whether they are facing the illness or hospitalization of their child, or the loss of their child, be with them in their time of need. Guide our hearts compassionately, offering our support where we can. Let us show small acts of kindness so that we can be the light in their darkness. Help us to be patient and empathetic. Give us the words to say to comfort those in pain. It is in the precious name of Jesus we pray, Amen.
Becca Tomasello is a writer for Praying Through Ministries. She has a Bachelors Degree in English and a Masters Degree in Children's Ministry. She has been working or volunteering in Children's and Youth Ministry for 10 years.
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